The Silence Here Has Changed

My dearest friend Anne passed away. An inexplicable loss. Immense sadness. Accompanied by endless love.

I never imagined writing about this in this blog of my trajectory, but silence and stillness are so present in this time, that the experiences affect me with their immediacy. It is also from the depth of intimacy that i work. The intimacy in this journey is beyond words, but i wish to share some from exactly that space.

In the last week especially, not knowing that this would be the last week, i often tuned into the deepest stillness that i can be in, to be close and to feel a sense of possibility and a sense of peace. 

Since her passing, i sometimes can’t breathe freely for a moment, as if there is momentarily not enough space for it in my body. Then it becomes quiet again. It changes the timing of my breathing.

Anne drew her last breath surrounded by love. A disease caused too many difficulties in her body to continue to live through it, yet Anne passed away consciously, her spirit alert, alive. I find this so powerful and, even if it feels somehow strange to say because of the intensity of the sadness, in this indescribable moment, i find it also inspiring; to be so fully aware while in this most intimate space. 

In the last days, her sister let me know she was free of pain due to medication and that she lay very quiet. I imagined her there. This quietness moved me deeply. It felt like a shift might be happening. 

A quietness that felt like it was meeting a vast stillness inside her somehow, to journey on. A profound shift.

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1,5 day before she transitioned, her husband and sister shared that suddenly there was a moment where she spoke with clarity, insightful wisdom and simplicity. Her message was shared with us, like an encouraging and powerful gift. It seemed to me to have come from the deepest stillness, with immediacy and shared with incredible generosity. 

The power of simplicity and clarity. The wisdom of alive stillness out of which this can come. Immediacy. Generosity. The wish to share. These things that i talk about when i talk about dance. 

In the early night i had a dream with black smoke. I woke up from it, somewhat distressed. I felt something was different. I checked if there was a message. Anne’s sister let me know that she passed a few hours earlier. I stayed awake all night. This night was very very quiet. I felt so grateful for it being so. The quietness was vast and had a gentleness to it. My apartment felt open as if there was more air and yet it protected me in its gentleness. A quiet, gentle, open silence. 

When the night began to shift into day, i opened the curtains a bit to look outside. White mist. The black smoke was gone and white mist had moved in. The mist made the outside feel quiet too. As if hushing any unwanted sounds. As if asking for respect for Anne’s passing. A reverent silence.

Now she is moving on. The silence here has changed. To tune deeply into my physical body feels vulnerable as if with a fear of not feeling anything, of there not being anything, no aliveness. Or perhaps of feeling too much. Still, i risk it. I want to dance. Anne encouraged us to focus on what really matters. I feel the life force in my body, how strong it is, it simply being there. The wonder of this. I feel humbled and with a sense of emptiness realizing that it has left Anne’s physical body. Just when i am about to leave the studio, i find myself step into the middle of the space and start dancing. Wildly, light, fast footed, spine open and long. As if ‘i’ have nothing to do with it. As if being moved. 

I feel deeply humbled by Anne’s passing. There is nothing about it i can understand. She is profoundly missed. Still. I dance. 

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2 minuten stilte

(Short English text below)

In de krant van vandaag veel over stilte i.v.m. de twee minuten stilte elke 4 mei om 20:00 uur. Ik hou van die twee minuten. Ik vind het mooi dat we met heel veel weten  dat het straks stil gaat zijn, dat we met heel veel tegelijk daarvoor kiezen. Wat er direct daarna gebeurt, is natuurlijk altijd anders dan wanneer dat zonder stilte ervoor zou plaatsvinden. Ik vind dat in dit geval mooi omdat we met zoveel zijn. We luisteren er anders na, met misschien nog een beetje stilte in, bij, rondom ons.

Ik heb vandaag alleen een NRC Next in handen gehad en vond mooie schrijfsels over (die) stilte.

Een gedicht van de Dichter des Vaderlands: Ester Naomi Perquin:

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Stilte als (eerbetoon aan het belang van ) vrijheid. Wat zou ik het mooi vinden om bevrijdingsdag in stilte te vieren, ook samen, een fijne, vierende stilte – Dit is een een gedeelte uit een column van Japke-d. Bouma:

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Oorverdovende stilte:

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Over stilte en de behoefte aan storm:

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English:

In today’s newspaper many writings on silence, related to the two minutes of silence every 4th of May at 8:00 pm. This takes place in remembrance of Dutch civilians and militaries who died during the Second World War or in any other war since then.

I am always moved by these two minutes. I love that we know with many that it’s going to be silent then and that we choose for this with many at the same time. What takes place immediately after, is always different from if it would have happened without that silence. We listen to it differently, perhaps still with a little bit of silence in, with or around us.

Today i only saw the newspaper NRC Next, so in this post are clippings from that particular paper.

 

 

Forget everything

I am listening in this silence that precedes. Forget 

             everything, start listening. Tipping point, flash

             point,

convective chimneys in the seas bounded by Greenland. Once there was thunder and also

             salvos at the four corners of the horizon, that was

             war.

In Hell they empty your hands of sand, they tell you to refill 
them with dust and try

             to hold in mind the North Atlantic Deep Water...



                     from 'Positive Feedback Loop' -Jorie Graham

intro ‘STill trajectory’

(English, see below)

Welkom op mijn blog ‘STill trajectory’. Ik schrijf hier gedurende mijn ontwikkelingstraject dat ondersteund wordt met een Ontwikkelbudget van het Amsterdams Fonds voor de kunst. Ik werk hieraan van half maart 2018 tot half februari 2019.

Het zullen vooral poëtische flarden zijn, beelden en schrijfsels van ervaringen in de dans of daarbuiten, spinsels en inspiraties. Soms in het Nederlands, andere keren in het Engels, soms ook allebei.

In dit traject richt ik mijn aandacht op verfijning en gelaagdheid van stilte in de dans en stilte als ontmoetingsruimte met een mogelijk gevoel van gelijkwaardigheid. Vragen waarmee ik werk, komen voort uit mijn langlopende soloproject ‘Field of Disappearance’. Tijdens dit jaar kan ik hierover uitwisselen met diverse kunstenaars en leraren, in Amsterdam en ook in Indonesië. Er zullen ook presentaties zijn, in juni, juli en november in Amsterdam en in december in Indonesië. Informatie hierover kun je vinden op mijn website.

  layers & meetings

English:

Welcome to my blog ‘STill trajectory’. I will write here during my development trajectory that is supported by the ‘Development Budget’ of he Amsterdam Fund for the Arts. I work between March 2018 and February 2019.

Images, writings, poetic puffs of experiences in the dance or outside of it, imaginations and inspirations. Sometimes in Dutch, other times in English, and sometimes in both languages.

In this trajectory i tune into refinement and layers of stillness in dance and stillness as a meeting space with a possible sense of equality. Questions that i work with, derived from my long time solo project ‘Field of Disappearance’. During this year i can exchange with several artists and teachers, in Amsterdam and in Indonesia. There will be presentations, in June, July and November in Amsterdam and in December in Indonesia. You can find information about these on my website.